So recently I have attempted, at a very slow rate, to try dating again. I decided to try one of these online dating sites, which work as apps on your phone. My previous experiences in online dating had not gone well, but out of boredom I decided to give it another shot. I discovered, that while this approach to dating might work for some people, I should probably stick to the bar scene. At least with meeting people in a bar they are upfront about their intentions.
I met several interesting people in the past few months playing around online dating, but the major problem is that each one of them says that they are interested in getting to know you before you meet, or that they are willing to wait for a sexual relationship, and in reality they seem to use these sites as places to find one night stands or sex buddies. Now I know that this will not come as a shock to most people, but it is darn right annoying, especially when you are really just looking for friends who may or may not turn into something else.
So a person reads your profile, and then messages you, and based off your pictures and profile they decide if they want to begin a conversation. This isn’t much different than going to a bar or a club. We all gravitate towards people whom we find physically attractive. The problem with the online dating side is that in a bar, you almost expect someone to try to get lucky the first time they meet you. Online, you generally talk to someone for a bit before you meet, and at least for me, I don’t know if I am truly interested in someone until I meet them in person.
A text, email, or online message doesn’t convey the intentions of each party as well as a face to face conversation. We as a society are already losing the ability to properly communicate, so online dating I think makes this issue more difficult. You say one thing and they don’t understand it is a joke, or they think it is a joke when it isn’t.
The worst is if you bring up the issue of not wanting to jump into bed with someone and you say this repeatedly, somehow this keeps being translated into “Please, pressure me into doing something I really don’t want to do.”
Now I understand guys pretty well, many of my oldest friends are male, but none of them seem to understand this new online dating obsession with sex from the starting line. This is more difficult for a girl like me who has PTSD issues surrounding sex and intimacy. This is from a long year of having jobs which put me into situations which caused fear and trauma in regards to sex. Also, I have dated many guys in the past who thought the entire relationship should be sexual and then everything else comes after.
Now I have told the last two guys I went on dates with that 1. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, I have to get my job situation and my life straightened out before I can seriously focus on that, and 2. That I am not ready for a sexual relationship at this point in my life. Now I don’t think that it takes a rocket scientist to understand these two things. However, the modern American male in their thirties, can’t seem to grasp this concept. I don’t mean to say that every male is this way, but it seems like the ones attracted to me are.
Pushing sex, kissing, or physical anything on a person who is terrified of intimacy for whatever reason, tends to make a person pull further away. For me I become distrustful of the new person, I pull away physically and emotionally, and tend to go a bit crazy. I get angry with them and use all the little red flags I find in their conversations against them. I know this isn’t fair, but neither is having someone fault you for not wanting to jump into bed with them the moment you meet.
Call me crazy, everyone else does, but is this what we want our future to be? Do we really want to perpetuate the idea that it is okay to force yourself on someone because they worked in a certain job, or are of a certain age. Just because I am a single mother, doesn’t mean I put out for any and all men who cross my path. I don’t like to be a sexual object, I like to be treated as a person, with a brain, who knows what they want. People should have more respect for the person who wants to wait, but it seems these days everyone is just on a mission to get laid.
I am all about embracing the crazy, but these situations have pushed me more into a fear of sex and intimacy. I am distrustful of new men, and I think that is sad. I shouldn’t have to think that all a male wants from me is my body. However, after the last year of my life (with the exception of a couple awesome guys I have made friends with) it seems that the guys I meet are in it for only one thing, and that is not my conversation.