Moments of Sanity are Followed by Days of Anxiety

Earlier this week I went to an event called Paint Nite with my co-workers. We went for team building, which worked fairly well. Personalities in the work place are often different when you take the person away from work. People who do not get along while at their jobs, can learn to become friendly when they are able to show their true personalities outside of the office.

While I was rediscovering my love of painting, I also got to learn more about the women I work with. It was a good experience for this week. I have managed to rediscover old passions, and begin to create new positive relationships. This is often a difficult thing for me to do.

While I tend to be a very outgoing person, I do live with anxiety that causes constant fear. People often think that I fake my disease in order to get out of doing things. Today for example, I overslept, which caused and anxiety attack. While I had just had my medication refilled, it did not help in the way which I needed it to, so that I could go to work. This of course upset my boss. So I have spent the day feeling horrible because I couldn’t drive to work. Which in turn has just managed to increase my anxiety. With few ways available to decrease my anxiety, I am now writing and hoping that I will be able to explain how this disorder affects me.

I have difficulty at times, because of my anxieties, performing tasks which most people rarely have difficulty performing. I can’t drive sometimes because of this, and that often leads to me staying in my house all day without even opening the front door to check the mail.

This makes working a regular job extremely difficult sometimes. Uncomfortable conversations, and difficult personalities also increase my anxieties at work. While I can generally push through these problems, I occasionally have an anxiety attack while at work. However, in situations like today, where I woke up having an anxiety attack, it can affect my ability to even make it to work.

I love my job, and my biggest fear at this point is that my mental health will lead to me losing the job. I can’t afford for that to happen, nor do I want to stress about the possibility. However, it is a very real possible outcome. Trying to work outside your home, when you live with a disorder that makes it impossible to simple tasks, is very difficult. Trying to explain to your managers that you are crazy and that sometimes you need people to understand that, is a difficult conversation to have.

I don’t like feeling ashamed of any part of what makes me who I am. In the conversations where you must confess to your boss that you have to take medication so you can function like normal people, and that sometimes it doesn’t work, well the other party tends to have a lack of understanding. I think this is because it feels shameful to tell people these things. Also, when you feel ashamed of something, it makes it much more difficult to express with any accuracy what you need to be able to say.

I don’t like having to use my disorder as an excuse. I hate when it causes me to lose trust, or friends. It’s the worst when it affects my ability to go to work, or preform to my personal standards at work. I don’t ever want my crazy to be the reason I don’t succeed. However sometimes, there is nothing I can do to fix myself and I have to take that day and put it in the lost cause category. I hope that I can find some common ground with my female coworkers, and as I try to take each day at a time; I will be able to gain more control over my anxieties. And that those anxieties can give a greater understanding of mental health to those that I work with.

So today I embrace the crazy, because it got me first. I’m not backing down. I won’t let it win. In my new life this is unacceptable.

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One thought on “Moments of Sanity are Followed by Days of Anxiety”

  1. Having such anxiety attacks sounds similar to grief. People who haven’t or aren’t going through it tend to think you can just pull yourself up by your boot straps and get over it. But that is usually the hardest or an impossible thing to do. There’s a difference between making something an excuse and explaining the situation.

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