Normality

A painting I made for a boy who made me feel special, and for a few weeks like I wasn't alone
A painting I made for a boy who made me feel special, and for a few weeks like I wasn’t alone

I don’t feel real today. I feel like a shadow of myself. I have only spoken aloud to one person and that was to buy cigarettes. I am sleepy but not tired. And I feel off. Not sick just off.

I don’t know whats wrong with me. I feel as if everything is wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. Like I broke something that should be really important, but I am not sure what it was, so I can’t fix it. I think this is part of being alone. I spend too much time alone.

I know as a writer, it is important to spend time alone. The craft in itself is a solitary act, but there comes a point when you aren’t writing anymore and you are just sitting in your house staring at anything thing that will make it sound like normal life is happening around you. Everyone else has their lives going on and I seem to be left as a side thought, or nothing at all.

I don’t know how to make my life the one I want it to be, but I continue to feel each day as if I am living someone else’s life, that this one doesn’t belong to me, and I don’t know why I’m here. It’s a weird feeling, but coupled with being alone it is pretty damn depressing to think about.

I almost feel that dating is pointless. I don’t want to try to create another relationship with someone who probably only wants to sleep with me. I just want companionship. A warm body in my vicinity. I want to feel a sense of normalcy in my life. Instead I feel like a broken robot.

I met a great guy and within one month things got screwed up. And I had hoped he could be the one who would make me feel normal again, or at least normal for me. And for a couple weeks he did. Then it got weird, and I still don’t understand why. I break every relationship eventually. The ones I haven’t are miracles, and I am glad for them, but there are few of those left.

I am emotional and often irrational.   But I am fun and goofy, if I am comfortable enough with the person to let that show. However, too often I am not. So I am nervous and unapproachable. I am broken, but that doesn’t mean I should have to be alone. This is not a true choice for me. I just don’t know how to be with someone anymore. I don’t trust people anymore. I am always looking for their end game. What is it that they truly want out of the relationship. Is it me, or my body, or something I can give them. It’s rarely me. It usually my body, and I feel more often than not these days that I have nothing left to give. So that probably why things got messed up. I am closed off, distrustful, and feel I have nothing to offer.

I know that somewhere in me is the person who I am, and that person has tings to offer. I just need the time to let her out. It takes time for me to gain normalcy in a relationship of any kind.

Maybe I just shouldn’t date. I can’t stand to be alone anymore, but nobody can stand to be with me.

A crazy I am forced to embrace so that I can understand how to break the cycle.

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2 thoughts on “Normality”

  1. A guy can’t make you feel normal. Self-acceptance is the hardest thing and nobody can give it to you. You have to give it to yourself. I don’t want to sound preachy, here. I’m a whole lot older than you and I still struggle — and you know I got lucky in love early on. Or blessed — my mom did her famous thirty-day novena. I’m just saying that, as much as connection matters, it can’t fix your relationship with yourself. You are the only one who has the power to do that.

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    1. I know I have to fix my relationship with myself. It was just nice to be around a guy that I felt like I didn’t have to be anything other than myself. It turned out differently in the end, but it was a nice couple weeks, where I felt normal in a relationship

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