The face of depression

When every smile is a lie– just something you put on because something you intellectually understand as good or funny but you can’t feel it emotionally. This is the face. 

Every expression a lie.

The outside showing what everyone wants to see– what they expect.

Well guess what, I’m sad. I feel like I have no reason to be. You cannot fix that. In fact the harder you try, the worse I will feel. Because what I really want is to quietly and slowly disappear. I am already invisible you don’t see me, not really. And it’s laughable that even now you think you do.

Everything I do is to try to make myself feel again. Feel deserving of the life given to me. Feel deserving of my child. The truth is that in this space, I cannot feel. Don’t try to fix me. You cannot fix the problem which you cannot see. You cannot see a problem you don’t understand. If you don’t understand just admit it and respect how I feel in this moment. It could pass. 

Just let me see that I actually matter. Don’t tell me because in this space words like that do not matter, they cannot be heard. 

Don’t hug me. It hurts. Just help me in the way that I ask. Do not try to fix me.

Do not try to fix me. Just be there for me. Understand that I need support and that I need to vent and that I need to feel this way. I don’t know why any more than you do. Just let it be what it is.


My Absence

So it seems that there are a few times a year that i get back on here and explain why i have been gone.  We  here it goes:

I started working on my MFA in creative writing at the University of Tampa in January.  Then I got tendinitis.  The MFA writing would generally make it difficult for me to keep up with my space here, but the real problem has been my wrist.  I can’t type.  Well I can but only really slowly and that’s if I let my hand rest for a whole week doing nothing.

So I get to start using Dragonware.  I haven’t had great luck with it yet, but the good news for my readers is that I will be doing most of my practicing with the software on here.  So Please be patient with my typos as I learn to write with my voice.