When every smile is a lie– just something you put on because something you intellectually understand as good or funny but you can’t feel it emotionally. This is the face.
Every expression a lie.
The outside showing what everyone wants to see– what they expect.
Well guess what, I’m sad. I feel like I have no reason to be. You cannot fix that. In fact the harder you try, the worse I will feel. Because what I really want is to quietly and slowly disappear. I am already invisible you don’t see me, not really. And it’s laughable that even now you think you do.
Everything I do is to try to make myself feel again. Feel deserving of the life given to me. Feel deserving of my child. The truth is that in this space, I cannot feel. Don’t try to fix me. You cannot fix the problem which you cannot see. You cannot see a problem you don’t understand. If you don’t understand just admit it and respect how I feel in this moment. It could pass.
Just let me see that I actually matter. Don’t tell me because in this space words like that do not matter, they cannot be heard.
Don’t hug me. It hurts. Just help me in the way that I ask. Do not try to fix me.
Do not try to fix me. Just be there for me. Understand that I need support and that I need to vent and that I need to feel this way. I don’t know why any more than you do. Just let it be what it is.