Category Archives: On Writing

This is all the things I feel like writing about writing

Writing Difficulties and Fears

So often I have had difficulties writing, and I either put it all aside or just push through. However, right now I am working on my personal statement and portfolio to apply to grad school. I don’t mind editing my pieces, but at the moment everything I look at in some of my best work I am questioning. I feel like there are mistakes in every bit of what I wrote, from beginning to end. I don’t know if I’m just being the perfectionist that I can sometimes be, or if these problems are really there.

Now normally in this situation I would ask for an extra pair of eyes, but the whole thing makes me nervous. I am anxious about every aspect of this process. I am not worried that I am a bad writer, but that my writing won’t fit into a MFA program. I want my essays to be perfect, but then if they are perfect, then why do I need to go back to school. So I am stuck in an odd crisis here. What do I write? What do I submit? What are my reasons? All things that I could have easily picked, named, and put words to a month ago.

So as I am trying this, I figured that I would write a post about being stuck. I am stuck and I feel that this program can help me get out of the writing funk which I have been in, but I don’t feel that is the best statement to put on my application. I am at a loss for words where it matters for school, and I am stuck in this odd place trying to force the right words to come out and I am not sure what the right words are.

I want to embrace my crazy for this, because that is one thing that makes my writing better. I embrace my flaws and I am the first to point out my issues with writing, and my life in general. Now I have to find the perfect words for the one thing I really want to do with my life, and I feel like there aren’t any. I realize that there is no such thing as perfect, but I feel like this has to be.

So I am trying to embrace my imperfection with my life and my writing to I can let the words come, because I feel that whatever words there are, they should be the perfect ones, because they are my words. So prayers and wishes please, I can use all of the help I can get in order to get past my own personal fears. However, if I don’t do this then I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I just need to push forward.

Don’t give up on your dreams. Change them from dreams to goals, because then they are just dreams with deadlines. And I don’t know about you, but I work best with deadlines. So this is something that I know I can do despite my fears, because it is not a choice any more it is what I am supposed to be doing with my life.


Up to Date with Depression

So it has been awhile since I have posted. Although I have been trying to write more recently, I have been in a very depressed state and that has translated into no writing, a messy disaster of a house, and increased anxiety. This has been caused my multiple reasons of course, my continued stomach issues, lack of a boyfriend, and some issues with work related things.

Well, I guess I will start with my stomach problems. I have the official diagnosis of Gastro Paresis and Acid Reflux Disease. Yay! This means that I get to take medication for my too high stomach acid, try to keep my stress down, and continue to vomit every day like a pregnant woman. Now, I have lived with this for years, however it wasn’t until this past year that I started having severe issues with my stomach and it sucks. I haven’t had more than a couple days total that have caused me to be sick all day since I started my new job, but even that sucks. I don’t like missing work, I don’t like throwing up, and I don’t like taking meds to help with a problem when they don’t do much. Though on that front I have stated seeing a chiropractor who is confident that he can help with my stomach problems with alignments. While I have so far only had one adjustment on my back, it hasn’t hurt anything so it is worth a try.

So the next general depression problem is the lack of boyfriend. I had spent the last two years casually seeing someone, and when I got my new job as a teacher, that ended. This is ultimately a good thing though. The relationship had become more drama than it was worth and I have very different priorities in my life than he does, however it sucks to be single. I had met a nice guy on my birthday, and while my priority with him was friendship, I think he thought that I wanted to seriously date him. I am not opposed to a boyfriend, I just mainly want adult company. I am alone a lot and I want someone who I can talk to, and of course get the added bedroom benefits. With him I was just looking for the friend with benefits situation, he just wanted the friend part. So after being humiliated with this reality on Friday night, I have since increased my level of depression.

Dating is tough, especially in your thirties, and especially if you are a crazy person with super high standards. I need someone who can deal with my crazy, handle my throwing up, and also preferably never been married. I don’t want anyone who just wants to use me as a sexual object, and I can’t deal with clingy. I need my space and I don’t want to constantly have to be answering texts. Needy guys please stay away. I am independent, focused on my career, and don’t have time for drama. It seems everyone I have met in the past year falls into one of my red flag areas, and those that don’t are super young and aren’t ready to date at all, even in a super causal manner.

So for my last depression issue—work. I love my job, but a coworker has been making things extremely difficult for me. She has decided that everything is my fault, including student attitudes towards her. I even got blamed for a fight between two students, which happened during her class. I am still trying to figure out how in any way this fight was due to me or my teaching, especially since I wasn’t there. Almost a week later, and I am still baffled.

Friday she came up to me and again decided to place blame on me for a student hiding from her for 25 minutes and not going to her class. He hid in another teacher’s classroom, and I let him out early to go to his next class, because surprise, I have a class to teacher after the one he is in with me. So my classroom door was lock, the student was not in there, and yet it is my fault he didn’t go to her class. Maybe I should be proud of the fact that she seems to think I have god like power and authority over these kids, but I’m not.

the reality is that several of the students hide from her class and when they come to my class I send them immediately on their way back to her. It is my job to deal with the class I have at that time, not to make sure all of her students arrive to her class. In fact if students are continually not going to her class, I think that says something about her as a teacher. I don’t know if this teacher is just placing the blame on me because I’m new, or if she truly believes that it is my fault. I do know that because of this week being blamed by her for everything that has gone wrong, I almost quit.

So I have been dealing with a lot. However, after attending Jax by Jax yesterday, and running into old friends I have decided to get back to what I am truly supposed to be doing. That is of course writing. However, I am actually going to start really submitting my essays for publication, and maybe a few short fiction pieces as well, we will see. I am excited about this new turn and I hope it helps pull me out of my depression. I have always had a hard time writing when I am depressed. While it used to be music, now it’s writing in general.

So embrace your crazy, do what you love, because that is the only way to find yourself and crawl back out of the holes that we sometimes fall into.

Sometimes I wonder

There are some days I wonder why I continue to write. It often feels like a struggle. Then out of nowhere the words come easily. They come from me and onto my computer screen faster than the computer can keep up with the flow. Those are the days that I think we all long for as writers.

It isn’t much different than living with another mental health problem. As a writers we test the definition of insanity as a daily ritual. We do the same thing every day and expect different results. However, sometimes we get them. I know for me it is the difference between a life lived and a life imagined. Now you might wonder how a life of writing is one lived and not imagined. For me writing is life. I give life to my thoughts, fears, passions, pains, and dreams. If I don’t write them then they become stagnant. That isn’t living.

Now a fear isn’t something that we normally want to breathe life into, but I believe that without fear we have nothing to aim to. No goals without the fear of failure. No dreams if we aren’t afraid of living in the same existence we already struggle with each day. My words give me a chance to figure out everything I want from life, and the ability to chase those things or turn away from what I can no longer hold on to.

It doesn’t matter what you write, or if you are writing for anyone else to read or just for yourself. I believe that everyone can benefit from a journal, at the least. It is a place to get out of our heads, or get our heads out of us. If we keep our thoughts bottled up then we build rage and resentment that comes out in unhealthy ways. I am determined to live a more healthy life.

After two days at home sick, missing work that I can’t afford to miss, I have begun to write again. It makes me feel better, even if just for a little while. Otherwise I am just complaining to my friends about how I want to do more with my life and I am leaving my dreams in the corner to take care of themselves, forgetting that to achieve any dream we have to nurture it the same way we do our children.

I have rediscovered my music, my art, and my writing, and through these discoveries I am rediscovering myself. Who I am and where I want to go. I can say how I feel and it doesn’t matter if one day I hate everything, because these words are just a reflection of a moment in my life. My words don’t define me, I define my words, and if my definition changes from one day to the next that is okay.

Now if none of this make sense, that’s fine, I am self admittedly crazy. So this is how I choose to embrace that crazy today. I will write what I feel and I will listen to music that reflects that and I will heal through these actions. Embrace your crazy and grow from it.

It’s Been Awhile

So I just realized this past weekend exactly how long it has been since I have posted.  While I have been distracted by a new job in the past few months, I never meant to stop writing, much less stop posting.  I guess all I can say is that it is easy to get absorbed by life sometimes.  

I have finally start writing again. It was slow going for me this year, at least in terms of my writing.  I plan to post more regularly again.  Now I have in the past said this before, however this time I am finally getting to a comfortable enough place with work and other life that I feel that I can again focus on my passions.

Well, I know this is short, but this is my first attempt at writing a post in almost 5 months.  Keep an eye out for more posts to come.  I have decided that May is officially the month I get back to what I started working on in December.  I am going to try to post regularly as well as just keeping up again with a daily writing schedule.  

Dwindling focus

I have been back on my game with writing this week. I am focused, well sorta focused. I figured out a way to get myself writing even when I don’t have any idea what to write and that’s a good start.

I have managed to get several essays started and I finished two, and the week isn’t over yet. This is a good thing I know. I am having trouble really focusing though. After days of inspiration life is creeping back in and reminding me that I have other things which deserve my attention.

Well, I don’t know if these other things deserve my attention, but the keep getting it. I can’t decide if the job offer I got for a commission only sales job is worth the money I won’t make at it. Plenty of people do well with commission sales, but I don’t have the personality for it. I generally feel the same way as the customer, the product is stupid and a waste of money. I hate those people when they stop me at the gas station, can I really be one?

I know my OCD plays a part in my fretful thoughts about this job, but I still can’t bring myself to think of it as a real job. For one thing, if they make that much money selling car cleaner, then why can’t the manager buy a decent pair of shoes? They don’t have to be expensive, I just think they shouldn’t look so beat up they might fall of his feet when he walks.

So I’m hoping for other jobs to call me back, there is one I should hear from soon and I am trying to decide if it’s worth holding out for. I am told they are just waiting for my background check to come through.

So while I wait and fret I put on movies that I don’t watch and write instead. There are some good things coming out of my brain and actually landing on the page where they are supposed to be. I am trying to post here more as well. Although this is made difficult by have to post from my phone because my internet is out right now. For some reason they don’t let you keep your service if you don’t pay them.

So please excuse my typos and grammatical errors at the moment, my phone has a mind of her own. I will go back and fix things when I get to a place with interwebs.

Embrace the crazy and have a crazy weekend!

Impending Nano

So every year, for the past few years (this being the fourth year) I have attempted to participate in Nanowrimo. This for those of you who don’t know takes place in the month od November, with the express purpose of people around the world writing novels. All proceeds they raise from donations go towards literacy for children. This in itself is enough cause to participate. I however, have not been the best participant. I have yet to make the word goal of 50,000 words in one month. This is not to say that I am incapable, yet I seem to find that life gets in the way.

I tend to find that life enjoys getting in the way of literary pursuits, whether it is in writing or reading. Real life tends to take offense to a person who would prefer to spend time reading or writing things that do not coincide with what “real life” thinks we should be doing. And looking at the looming date of November 1st when I am supposed to begin my novella, I struggled. I couldn’t find a topic, inspiration, or anything consisting of the two. But I prevailed.

Now I have to figure out how I am going to complete this goal. I must write everyday­. I must focus on my characters and remember that they are really in control. I have to let go, so that I can prevail. I can do these things.

I have officially gone off meds, so my characters will be more crazy, and maybe this month of writing will help me embrace my crazy instead of medicating it to the shadows. I hope that my characters will show up when I call them. I am not holding my breath on this one. After having directed plays before I know that actors and characters show on their own time, I hope that I have the patience to handle this.

The main point is that I am again writing! I don’t know if any good will come of this writing, but I will be doing it. I will be talking to myself in the best possible way, having multiple conversations with myself via my keyboard. This excites me. I miss those conversations. I even look forward for a character wandering off and leaving me hanging, just so my mind can go in search of them. It’s much easier to go in search of a wayward character than it is of a drunken friend. So despite my trepidation, I look forward to this year’s nano in a way which I haven’t looked forward to those of the past.

So embrace the crazy, write something insane and see what you find.

If you are interested in nano and all it entails go to:

Happy writing!

Trying to Write to the Sound of a Six Year Old

Today I wanted to try and write some fiction again. This was a fairly short lived idea. I had searched around on the internet for a good writing generator for prompts for a horror story. Since I am still lacking plot bunnies, I figured that this was the best way to force my fingers into the mode of writing something different, and being October horror felt appropriate. The problem was partly my timing, and partly the existence of the six year old son of my friend.

I have been writing over at my friend’s house recently, because of two reasons: 1. She makes me write and 2. She has internet, something which I cannot afford right now. Since keeping a consistent blog is difficult when you have no internet, I have effectively created a spot in her bedroom in which to write. It is not the most comfortable spot and this is not only due to the fact that I have to hold my laptop in my lap while writing, but also because despite the fact it’s her bedroom, there is a lot of human traffic which makes it hard to concentrate. Add to this the fact that I keep forgetting my noise canceling headphones and it doesn’t make for a very good writing situation.

Now I spent about an hour reading ridiculous prompts, and finally came across one which seemed to have potential. About the same time I began to write on this prompt, her six year old came into the bedroom to hang out while his older brother got ready for bed. This wouldn’t be a problem, except that it is very hard to write anything when a child is present and whining about anything which pops into his head. I never write while my own son is home and awake, and usually I wait until her kids are asleep before I begin, but tonight I was almost inspired.

It took about three paragraphs before I gave up. Leaving the beginnings of a story left to be found and possibly finished at a later date. I realize now in a most intense way that I need to finish my project of purging my house. This way I will be able to have my writing space at home away from other people and distractions. I might even write something of quality if I have a nice space that is dedicated to this process. Then if all else fails, and a new job doesn’t appear to help me actually pay my bills, then I can still go to my friends to use the internet for research and posting my blog stuffs.

The other important factor in getting this space done is for my own sanity. I get anxious when I am trying to study, research, or write over at my friend’s house. Between the 15 year old, the 6 year old and her husband, who constantly roam in and out of the room asking questions and causing general distraction, I can’t focus and this increases my anxiety in an uncomfortable way, which makes me no longer enjoy the process of writing. I need my own space in which to stare into the void and attract the plot bunnies. I would rather a bunny make me anxious for finding things in my brain which surprise me than increased anxiety due to a kid just being a kid.

So in honor of this week being mental health awareness week, I call upon everyone with anxiety or any mental health problem, to find a place for themselves. Whether it is a desk or a room, or just a park bench, we all need to find a place where our thoughts can run free, so that when we leave this spot we can be free from the troubles of the mind. This will also help if you are needing inspiration, if you create a spot where you are inspired, staying in this spot for a bit of time each day should help with that.

As I am now seeking to go on to graduate school for counseling, I believe that this spot I plan to create for myself will be helpful in more than just my literary pursuits. I hope everyone can carve out their own spot where if nothing else you can embrace the crazy.