Tag Archives: dating

Up to Date with Depression


So it has been awhile since I have posted. Although I have been trying to write more recently, I have been in a very depressed state and that has translated into no writing, a messy disaster of a house, and increased anxiety. This has been caused my multiple reasons of course, my continued stomach issues, lack of a boyfriend, and some issues with work related things.

Well, I guess I will start with my stomach problems. I have the official diagnosis of Gastro Paresis and Acid Reflux Disease. Yay! This means that I get to take medication for my too high stomach acid, try to keep my stress down, and continue to vomit every day like a pregnant woman. Now, I have lived with this for years, however it wasn’t until this past year that I started having severe issues with my stomach and it sucks. I haven’t had more than a couple days total that have caused me to be sick all day since I started my new job, but even that sucks. I don’t like missing work, I don’t like throwing up, and I don’t like taking meds to help with a problem when they don’t do much. Though on that front I have stated seeing a chiropractor who is confident that he can help with my stomach problems with alignments. While I have so far only had one adjustment on my back, it hasn’t hurt anything so it is worth a try.

So the next general depression problem is the lack of boyfriend. I had spent the last two years casually seeing someone, and when I got my new job as a teacher, that ended. This is ultimately a good thing though. The relationship had become more drama than it was worth and I have very different priorities in my life than he does, however it sucks to be single. I had met a nice guy on my birthday, and while my priority with him was friendship, I think he thought that I wanted to seriously date him. I am not opposed to a boyfriend, I just mainly want adult company. I am alone a lot and I want someone who I can talk to, and of course get the added bedroom benefits. With him I was just looking for the friend with benefits situation, he just wanted the friend part. So after being humiliated with this reality on Friday night, I have since increased my level of depression.

Dating is tough, especially in your thirties, and especially if you are a crazy person with super high standards. I need someone who can deal with my crazy, handle my throwing up, and also preferably never been married. I don’t want anyone who just wants to use me as a sexual object, and I can’t deal with clingy. I need my space and I don’t want to constantly have to be answering texts. Needy guys please stay away. I am independent, focused on my career, and don’t have time for drama. It seems everyone I have met in the past year falls into one of my red flag areas, and those that don’t are super young and aren’t ready to date at all, even in a super causal manner.

So for my last depression issue—work. I love my job, but a coworker has been making things extremely difficult for me. She has decided that everything is my fault, including student attitudes towards her. I even got blamed for a fight between two students, which happened during her class. I am still trying to figure out how in any way this fight was due to me or my teaching, especially since I wasn’t there. Almost a week later, and I am still baffled.

Friday she came up to me and again decided to place blame on me for a student hiding from her for 25 minutes and not going to her class. He hid in another teacher’s classroom, and I let him out early to go to his next class, because surprise, I have a class to teacher after the one he is in with me. So my classroom door was lock, the student was not in there, and yet it is my fault he didn’t go to her class. Maybe I should be proud of the fact that she seems to think I have god like power and authority over these kids, but I’m not.

the reality is that several of the students hide from her class and when they come to my class I send them immediately on their way back to her. It is my job to deal with the class I have at that time, not to make sure all of her students arrive to her class. In fact if students are continually not going to her class, I think that says something about her as a teacher. I don’t know if this teacher is just placing the blame on me because I’m new, or if she truly believes that it is my fault. I do know that because of this week being blamed by her for everything that has gone wrong, I almost quit.

So I have been dealing with a lot. However, after attending Jax by Jax yesterday, and running into old friends I have decided to get back to what I am truly supposed to be doing. That is of course writing. However, I am actually going to start really submitting my essays for publication, and maybe a few short fiction pieces as well, we will see. I am excited about this new turn and I hope it helps pull me out of my depression. I have always had a hard time writing when I am depressed. While it used to be music, now it’s writing in general.

So embrace your crazy, do what you love, because that is the only way to find yourself and crawl back out of the holes that we sometimes fall into.

Normality


A painting I made for a boy who made me feel special, and for a few weeks like I wasn't alone
A painting I made for a boy who made me feel special, and for a few weeks like I wasn’t alone

I don’t feel real today. I feel like a shadow of myself. I have only spoken aloud to one person and that was to buy cigarettes. I am sleepy but not tired. And I feel off. Not sick just off.

I don’t know whats wrong with me. I feel as if everything is wrong, and I don’t know how to fix it. Like I broke something that should be really important, but I am not sure what it was, so I can’t fix it. I think this is part of being alone. I spend too much time alone.

I know as a writer, it is important to spend time alone. The craft in itself is a solitary act, but there comes a point when you aren’t writing anymore and you are just sitting in your house staring at anything thing that will make it sound like normal life is happening around you. Everyone else has their lives going on and I seem to be left as a side thought, or nothing at all.

I don’t know how to make my life the one I want it to be, but I continue to feel each day as if I am living someone else’s life, that this one doesn’t belong to me, and I don’t know why I’m here. It’s a weird feeling, but coupled with being alone it is pretty damn depressing to think about.

I almost feel that dating is pointless. I don’t want to try to create another relationship with someone who probably only wants to sleep with me. I just want companionship. A warm body in my vicinity. I want to feel a sense of normalcy in my life. Instead I feel like a broken robot.

I met a great guy and within one month things got screwed up. And I had hoped he could be the one who would make me feel normal again, or at least normal for me. And for a couple weeks he did. Then it got weird, and I still don’t understand why. I break every relationship eventually. The ones I haven’t are miracles, and I am glad for them, but there are few of those left.

I am emotional and often irrational.   But I am fun and goofy, if I am comfortable enough with the person to let that show. However, too often I am not. So I am nervous and unapproachable. I am broken, but that doesn’t mean I should have to be alone. This is not a true choice for me. I just don’t know how to be with someone anymore. I don’t trust people anymore. I am always looking for their end game. What is it that they truly want out of the relationship. Is it me, or my body, or something I can give them. It’s rarely me. It usually my body, and I feel more often than not these days that I have nothing left to give. So that probably why things got messed up. I am closed off, distrustful, and feel I have nothing to offer.

I know that somewhere in me is the person who I am, and that person has tings to offer. I just need the time to let her out. It takes time for me to gain normalcy in a relationship of any kind.

Maybe I just shouldn’t date. I can’t stand to be alone anymore, but nobody can stand to be with me.

A crazy I am forced to embrace so that I can understand how to break the cycle.

Where Do We Start… and End?


It has been a long time since I felt comfortable to be myself around someone new. I finally found that person, but things got strained and difficult really quickly. I will not lay the blame on him, I believe that this is mostly my fault, however I will say that it usually takes more than one person for conflict to arise.

He was super sweet and waited almost a month to finally meet me in person because I have been sick, and well I still am. That is one of the problems. I was having a good week when we met and our first date was fun and our second date lasted 40 hours. Then it was back to work, stress, and then my stomach problems came back.

Now I haven’t been talking much about my recent sickness. That is maybe because it isn’t a recent illness, just the most recent flare up. I am in the process of getting a confirmed diagnosis for gastro-paresis. If you don’t know what it is, it sucks. I am sick to my stomach all of the time, I can hardly eat and all kinds of social and environmental factors play a part. Basically to not have a flare up I have to never be under any stress, ever, at all. Now having my diagnosis currently of and anxiety disorder with OCD personality traits, this is a flat out impossibility. I can’t go through a day without something stressing me out, and it is usually little things. Like my computer not working right, or traffic being bad. Normal everyday stress that for a normal person is a minor irritation, takes medication to control not just for my brain, but also for my stomach.

When I get stressed, I get sick. This causes more anxiety, which causes more sick, and the cycle continues. The only way out is to get away from my stressors. Sometimes that means I can’t drive. Other times, well it is impossible. People have to work, but for someone like me the simple act of walking into a job where I might get stressed, so I might get sick puts me on guard, makes me nervous, and eventually leads to where I am now. Trying desperately to prove to my employers that I realy have a disease, and that I’m not making it up.

Now where does the boy come into all this, well we had so much fun the first two weeks we hung out that y stress went down and I started to get better. Then I got stressed out at work, and I vented to him, and we had a couple bad nights and things got awkward, and now we don’t know how to talk to one another, and he wants to be just friends. While there is much more to this, and will get its own post, I will say that it was bad timing. Today I needed desperately to distress after being confronted with the very real possibility that I may soon be unemployed, and I thought he would be the perfect fun relaxed person to distress with. Instead he tried to help me in another way. Which caused me to get upset again and I was ultimately unable to explain things the way I wanted, which again leads me here.

I truly appreciate it when people try to give me advice about things I struggle with. However, let me get through the emotional moment first. Now this could be a moment or a few hours, depending on my percentage of bad brains that day. And this is changing too. I never thought that someone could recover from mental illness, just learn how to live with it. Now I believe that for someone us it changes over time. Which makes sense why my greatest shrink refused to give me a diagnosis. But I got one anyway, and it has changed. I have gotten both better in some things and worse in others. Which equals a whole new diagnosis, and while I know it’s not bi-polar, I’m pretty sure I know what it is, and it isn’t one that I want to fully embrace yet.

I do know that I have been sick, and alone and this makes me depressed. I stress out to the point where I have dissociative anxiety attacks, something I haven’t done in years, and this scares me too. It is scary to know that you live with something that can only be controlled to a point. Something within you that you fight every day, just to make the rational choice and not the impulse that will just make things worse. I don’t always win, but I feel that on the ones I used to lose I’m gaining decent control. Others I am still working on.

I don’t know if I can save my job. I’m going to go to the doctor and try to get into a specialist ASAP for my tummy problems. I am going to consider increasing my anxiety medication for a short time to help with the stomach problem as well. It is very convenient that I’m prescribed something which is given for both disorders. And I’m going to talk to my crazy doctor about my depression problems and the disassociation and see if there is anything that can be done there. I’m not keeping my hopes up that the boy will come around, but I hope he keeps reading this, and will see that I am taking his advice to heart, that I’m reaching for the bootstraps, and I’m doing the best I can. I hope everyone else sees that too.

I don’t want to go through this alone, and I know there are a few of you out there who are there for me both in my personal life and in your comments, and I thank you. This is another long journey, and I can’t do it without support.

So embrace the crazy you have today, even if it is different than it was yesterday, and especially if it rambles along as much as this post.

Mental Health Awareness


May is mental health awareness month, and it has taken me this long in the month to do a post about it for several reasons.

  1. Every year when I hear that it is mental health awareness month, I suddenly become overly aware of my own mental health.  I begin to take stalk of if I am in fact still crazy.  I wonder if I still have anxiety, over and over to the point that I give myself anxiety.  So towards the end of the month I realize that my diagnoses is still true.   I am still the wonderful bearer of and Axis 1 Anxiety Disorder, with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Traits. (that is mainly my circular thoughts that drive me and everyone around me nuts)
  2. This year I have started a new relationship with a boy.  While we have only known each other for one week, officially today.  We have been spending a lot of time together, which I actually enjoy.  He makes me laugh and I am able to relax around him.  Although, when I come home, like tonight, I am suddenly filled with free roaming anxiety, which in turn causes me to question everything about myself and why I like this person.  I am sure there is something deeply wrong with him, because he just seems too good for me.  Don’t misunderstand, this is part of my crazy.  I am hopeful I am wrong, but I never expect to be, which might be a major contributing factor to my eternally single state.
  3. I have been really sick.  I have gastro paresis and this month I have been having a flare up.  Which basically means my stomach refuses to digest food as it should, and I have to go to the doctor for never ending tests, which I can’t finish because I keep throwing up.  I have missed a lot of work, which really sucks, and I am scared to eat at all most days.  This causes a never ending cycle of me being starving, and me getting even more sick because I feel better and then over eat.  However, I think that this flare is coming to an end, just in time to coincide with my monthly round of female hormones which make me angry and anxious for a whole different set of reasons.

However, it is May still, and that means that it is the time of year when we are all supposed to be aware of mental health. I think that should be every day and not just an allotment of 30 some odd days at the end of the school year. We should always care about our friends, family, and strangers who suffer from mental health disorders.

So because it’s May, we should embrace the crazy in public. Have an outburst at work, you’re crazy right, then explain that you are protesting the fact that craziness is not accepted in our society. Well, maybe that’s not the best way to go about things. However, I do encourage you to start conversations with people about the importance of mental health acceptance, and what we can do to change the stigma about those of us who live we these problems every day of our lives, for the rest of our lives.

Also, embrace, and I do mean hug, the crazy. It’s mental health awareness in its kindest and most in your personal space kind of way. Hugs for crazy people, especially the ones who need drugs so they don’t punch you for the hug.

Wow, 45 minutes of Datng Hell


So tonight I went on a date with a guy I met online. After a week of being sick he wanted to take me somewhere for relaxed conversation, but I had no intention of an evening coffee date. We decided on going bowling, which had been the plan we had made on the date I had to back out of. So I picked a bowling alley on my side of the city and we met at 9:30. What I thought to be a decent time for a bowling date.

We met and got our lane and he decided right away that two games was enough. Now if you have gone bowling before, two games with only two people, goes very quickly. In fact the entire date lasted about 30 minutes.

We got our shoes on, and he immediately set himself up to go first. Now I don’t care who goes first, but isn’t the saying ladies first. Shouldn’t you try to make an effort to not look like a chauvinist on a first date? Maybe I’m living in the past, so I went with it. Honestly I don’t care who goes first, but later on I realized that this small thing was a huge sign of this person’s personality.

We started our game, and he was surprised that I used the same size ball he did. Alright, I can give him that, I guess. I am tiny, like not even fully five feet tall, but I’m not weak. I have a kid that I pick up, and he weighs more than 12 lbs, so I think I can handle an 11 lb ball. I have been using one that is 11 lbs since I was in highschool, no big deal. So then he was impatient and had to have two balls, we can’t possibly wait for our first ball to come back, that would take up too much precious time. He actually asked if I wanted him to get me a second ball, which is how he discovered the size ball I was using.

So during the first game he would roll a strike and then walk up to the lane and drop the ball and not try. That annoys me, I can tell if you know how to bowl, or play pool, so don’t play down because I’m a girl. If you give me a good reason to beat you, I will, but if you don’t try, I’m not going to either. That way, we both prove nothing.

During this game he talked about how much he loves being single. Now I might be wrong here, but why ask someone out on a date, if you love being single? I was confused from there on out. He moved the conversation to sports, which the only one we both like is soccer. Then he should me pictures of his friend’s melon hooka, which he thought was hilarious. I just thought it was kinda neat.

Every time he said anything to me, he would lean in really close and breathe heavily on me and his breathe was unpleasant at best. I just kept thinking, that at least I will have something to write about tonight. And the night went on.

During the second game, he won the first, he stopped trying completely. Well until the last frame. Then he decided to try to beat me. We had started a conversation about pool at this time. I am a pool player, and have been for many years, though I have taken the last year off. He told me most girls can’t play pool. And not only that but that they couldn’t play because they had trouble with the stick! That was the end of it all.

So when I beat him in the second game, I very quickly put back on my boots, and returns my bowling shoes to the counter. I said good-bye and left. Now I am posting this because y brain needs to let it go into the universe.

Guys in Their 30s are Weird


So recently I have attempted, at a very slow rate, to try dating again. I decided to try one of these online dating sites, which work as apps on your phone. My previous experiences in online dating had not gone well, but out of boredom I decided to give it another shot. I discovered, that while this approach to dating might work for some people, I should probably stick to the bar scene. At least with meeting people in a bar they are upfront about their intentions.

I met several interesting people in the past few months playing around online dating, but the major problem is that each one of them says that they are interested in getting to know you before you meet, or that they are willing to wait for a sexual relationship, and in reality they seem to use these sites as places to find one night stands or sex buddies. Now I know that this will not come as a shock to most people, but it is darn right annoying, especially when you are really just looking for friends who may or may not turn into something else.

So a person reads your profile, and then messages you, and based off your pictures and profile they decide if they want to begin a conversation. This isn’t much different than going to a bar or a club. We all gravitate towards people whom we find physically attractive. The problem with the online dating side is that in a bar, you almost expect someone to try to get lucky the first time they meet you. Online, you generally talk to someone for a bit before you meet, and at least for me, I don’t know if I am truly interested in someone until I meet them in person.

A text, email, or online message doesn’t convey the intentions of each party as well as a face to face conversation. We as a society are already losing the ability to properly communicate, so online dating I think makes this issue more difficult. You say one thing and they don’t understand it is a joke, or they think it is a joke when it isn’t.

The worst is if you bring up the issue of not wanting to jump into bed with someone and you say this repeatedly, somehow this keeps being translated into “Please, pressure me into doing something I really don’t want to do.”

Now I understand guys pretty well, many of my oldest friends are male, but none of them seem to understand this new online dating obsession with sex from the starting line. This is more difficult for a girl like me who has PTSD issues surrounding sex and intimacy. This is from a long year of having jobs which put me into situations which caused fear and trauma in regards to sex. Also, I have dated many guys in the past who thought the entire relationship should be sexual and then everything else comes after.

Now I have told the last two guys I went on dates with that 1. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, I have to get my job situation and my life straightened out before I can seriously focus on that, and 2. That I am not ready for a sexual relationship at this point in my life. Now I don’t think that it takes a rocket scientist to understand these two things. However, the modern American male in their thirties, can’t seem to grasp this concept. I don’t mean to say that every male is this way, but it seems like the ones attracted to me are.

Pushing sex, kissing, or physical anything on a person who is terrified of intimacy for whatever reason, tends to make a person pull further away. For me I become distrustful of the new person, I pull away physically and emotionally, and tend to go a bit crazy. I get angry with them and use all the little red flags I find in their conversations against them. I know this isn’t fair, but neither is having someone fault you for not wanting to jump into bed with them the moment you meet.

Call me crazy, everyone else does, but is this what we want our future to be? Do we really want to perpetuate the idea that it is okay to force yourself on someone because they worked in a certain job, or are of a certain age. Just because I am a single mother, doesn’t mean I put out for any and all men who cross my path. I don’t like to be a sexual object, I like to be treated as a person, with a brain, who knows what they want. People should have more respect for the person who wants to wait, but it seems these days everyone is just on a mission to get laid.

I am all about embracing the crazy, but these situations have pushed me more into a fear of sex and intimacy. I am distrustful of new men, and I think that is sad. I shouldn’t have to think that all a male wants from me is my body. However, after the last year of my life (with the exception of a couple awesome guys I have made friends with) it seems that the guys I meet are in it for only one thing, and that is not my conversation.

“Hey Baby, What’s Your Diagnosis?”


 

 

            At one time it was common to hear: “So baby, what’s your sign?” as a pickup line.  As we move into a future where more and more of us in Western culture are in or have been in some sort of treatment for mental health, that line will soon be a thing of the past, replaced with “What’s your diagnosis?”

            Gone are the days where being a Libra, Taurus, Cancer, or Pisces has much meaning anymore, if they ever truly did.  Made more difficult by the fact that whoever is in charge of such things changed the dates of the Zodiac signs so that nobody knows what their sign actually is anymore.  We are moving toward a future where we pick our mate not by their star sign, but instead by a compatible diagnosis.

            The American Psychological Association has a category for almost any quirk of the personality these days.  So since we are all crazy, we need to find the crazy in others which complements our own.

            For example I am diagnosed with an Axis I Anxiety Disorder with Obsessive Compulsive Personality traits.  So what disorders complement my own?  This is much more difficult than learning that as a Libra I should avoid dating an Aries, Cancer, or Leo.  While astrology can be fun and the Birthday and Relationship books are frighteningly accurate, they haven’t helped me find my soul mate, only confirmed after the fact that who I was with was a bad match according to the stars.

            My diagnosis in some ways also makes dating hard, as I turn into a mutated version of myself, amplified in all the wrong ways.  It’s like being the Hulk except it’s not incredible.  It is actually rather mundane in explanation, although I have been told it can be frightening to witness.  And while I do not grow to incredible size, my voice does, and instead of my skin turning into a bright green only my eyes shift into a brighter green.  All of this is because one of my anxiety symptoms is impulse aggression.

            So when I get attached to someone I often turn into a nightmare, and while someone might wish to date the Hulk, I do not like the idea of losing control and becoming HulKatie.  At this time, I have found it better for everyone that I don’t date.  You never know when the green will spread to my skin and I will grow from my 5 foot self into a massive and destructive form bent on smashing everything.

            So how do we date in our overly diagnosed, overly medicated, and overly stimulated society?

            Well there is online dating.  This gives us a chance to get to know someone in the absence of actually having to see them in person and open our mouths in order to have a conversation.  I have tried this method of dating, much to my own failure and quit almost as quickly as I began.  The reason being that while it is easy to type a message about yourself and what you like, to me it lacked substance.  And while I actually met two people in person, it was glaringly obvious to me that our online personalities and our in-person-alities don’t often match-up exactly how we think they do.

            Nice, smart, caring, giving, and intelligent online and groaning, grunting, incomprehensible animal in person.  This isn’t true for everyone, but it is hard to show all of your personality on the internet.  It’s hard enough the traditional way.

            So after failing Online Dating 101, I went back to the bars and coffee shops.  However, much like the online world people act differently when they are single than they do when they are dating.  I think this may actually come from our lack of asking that basic question: “So what is your diagnosis?”  I’m not saying to run screaming into the night when someone says anxiety, depression, PTSD, or bi-polar, but this will at least be a better ice breaker than “What’s your sign?”

            This question gives us the chance to break down walls which could otherwise take months or years to knock down or climb over.  You then get to start with an open and friendly conversation, without being afraid to speak candidly.  Tell the cute guy at the bar that in the event of your dating you might turn Hulk if he smiles at you the wrong way when you have a paper do for school, or that you might smash a beer bottle on the floor if he calls you crazy.  We already know that not everyone we find attractive is right for us, why not cut the bullshit and be honest from the start.  Ask questions like “Do you identify more with Jekyll or Hyde?” or, “If you were a serial killer would you be more like Dexter, or Ted Bundy?” 

            Then after starting the conversation, we can arm ourselves with information to make informed choices rather than those fueled entirely by bar banter and physical attraction.  This way if you Hulk out on someone, they were warned.

            Now go forth and change the way we date, and let me know if your personal crazy has ever had an effect on your romantic relationships, either positive or negative.

 

 

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