Tag Archives: forgiveness

Insomnia and Anxiety create a Mix of Regret

I can’t sleep, though I am tired. I can’t focus on anything, because I’ve got free floating anxiety. I don’t know why I’m writing right now, except that I’m hoping that it will make me feel better when nothing else has today.

It is after midnight so it is mother’s day. I’m not feeling excited about celebrating motherhood. I don’t know why. I think maybe it’s because I don’t get to spend as much time with my son as I feel that I should. I try to do the best I can for him, and right now that means that he goes to school where someone can be home for him when he gets off the bus. I can’t. I have to work, and I don’t make enough for after school child care, and that’s not what I want for him anyway. This however, isn’t what I want either.

I want to see the things he does every day. I want to hear him laugh, watch him grow, and help him with his homework. I want to be the person the school calls when he needs to go home sick, and I want to be the one who tucks him in at night, and teaches him his nightly prayers. I want to read his bedtime story and sing him his song. I want to hold him and cuddle him and show him how much I love him every day.

For the first part of his life I wasn’t capable of feeling these things. It got easier for me to let him be with family that could give him the love he deserved. That’s the problem with post partum depression. You can’t feel what you want to toward your child, and you hate yourself for it. I tried medication, and therapy, but nothing helped. Now I lost the chance to create the bond with him that I should have had.

There is no way to change the past. And while I can try to forgive myself for things which were out of my control, I don’t think I have the right. Not yet. Not until I again have the chance to be a family, be his mother.

I don’t deserve a happy mother’s day, because I haven’t been a happy mother. I’ve hardly been a mother. Others stepped in to fill that role, and I feel that now it is too late. I will never have my baby back, and I will never get to know what it’s like to hold my new born child with awe and wonder at the beauty that he is. I might not deserve it, but I wish I had it.

So now I’m exhausted, sad, anxious, and lost. I feel alone all the time, and I don’t see things getting better in that department. I have let down the one person I should never have let down. I’m not a terrible person, and I hope that I’m not a terrible mother. I’m just not mother of the year.

I want to grow, and watch my son grow. I want to love, and be loved. I don’t want to be alone, but I want my time with myself. I want more time with my son, because he is the world. The most special and spectacular thing I will ever create. No piece of art, music, or writing will ever compare to what my son is.

I’m not sure this is the type of crazy to embrace. So instead I say embrace the love. If you are angry with your mothers, or you children for not being able to be the best versions of themselves, especially if it is due to mental illness, please take today to forgive. Maybe if we all forgive each other, it will become easier to forgive ourselves.


My brain is Chaotic and Shiny

So tonight was supposed to be a Chaotic Shiny night, but I could not decide on a prompt. After being given about twenty possible prompts, as well as religions, prophecies, and settings, I still had no inspiration. This is perhaps because my mind is trouble by other problems tonight. While fiction should get my mind off of my problems and move it into more interesting and less painful areas to explore, tonight it has decided to elude me.

My life itself has become more like a prompt from chaotic shiny. Where odd things are thrown together to make a story, somewhat believable. I don’t know when this happened, but it has been going on for a long time. My mom has told me in the past that my life would make a good TV show, and maybe she was right. These days however, the show would be fairly boring.

As much as I would again like to lead a fascinating life full of craziness, I’m actually happy that most of the drama is past. Now of course like everyone, there are some drama filled moments in my life, but it’s much more calm than it used to be. I prefer normal, boring days at the moment. Hanging at home or at a friend’s house is more appealing than bar hopping and getting wasted. Now these things do happen on occasion, but in the grand scheme of things, compared to my mid-twenties I don’t even drink anymore.

I am wondering tonight about friendships, much as I was last night. When I posted “Like attracts Like” I was in a very different mindset then I am right now. Same time of night, same chair and friend’s house, but with a different reality. It bothers me that this is bugging me so much, but someone who was a longtime friend, almost 16 years actually, just unfriended me on Facebook. This is where like repels like.

We have almost the exact same disorder, yet while I like to confront a problem and find its natural solution, my friend likes to pretend the problem has vanished, until she has gotten over it. By that I mean she avoids the source of the issue until she doesn’t remember why she was mad in the first place. It is frustrating, especially if what you really want to do, or what I really want to do is just apologize. So how do you apologize to someone who will not speak to you?

I have tried email, Facebook messages, texting, calling, and even tried buying an apology present. However, I have gotten no response and nine months in I discover the unfriending. Now I shouldn’t care about this, it is just a social networking site, it doesn’t mean anything. However, if it weren’t for her forcing me during my pregnancy to join FB, I wouldn’t be on there at all. Now if I just had anxiety I would take some medication, watch a happy movie and go to bed, but I am blessed with OCD, the kind which causes obsessive thought patterns. So not just my life is Chaotic and Shiny, but so is my brain.

Problems circle around in my brain on an endless loop like a song put on repeat, and it’s always a song that you hate. The questions are all why? Why is it like this? Why can’t I fix this? Why can’t I just move on and not worry about it? This is the one part of my crazy I do not like to embrace because then I can’t sleep. Not that anxiety is particularly fun to embrace; these thought patterns are only good for writing. They kill friendships, and my nights become restless. It’s like having a plot stuck in your head you can’t figure out, or a character whose motivations you don’t understand. However, instead of fiction, it is reality.

I try to own up to things which I have done to earn myself the anger of those that I have wronged. In this case however, I am not asking for forgiveness, just a moment so say “hey I’m really sorry this thing happened, and I know that I was in the wrong.” I wouldn’t even ask for another chance, it seems obvious that I’m not getting one. So with my crazy I end another great friendship, but all is not lost.

As I write this I sit with someone who understands me. I spoke earlier with another friend who also understands and speaks her mind. Speaking my mind gets me into trouble, but with a few people I never have to worry about judgments or wrath for being who I am. I screw up and they tell me as much and we move on, all forgiven, if not forgotten. We don’t forget so that we can remind each other of why we shouldn’t do that same thing again. It’s like knowing that you shouldn’t walk in front of a speeding car, but having a friend point it out if you forget. That’s comfort and safety, and support.

So to my friend who will not read this, I am truly sorry. To all others I have hurt I am also sorry. I am not perfect, and I never will be. But I will always be me, and that person still strives to help her friends no matter the situation, or the past. It is difficult for me to write someone out of my life. I just hope that in the end I have not been forever written out of hers.