Tag Archives: online dating

Wow, 45 minutes of Datng Hell


So tonight I went on a date with a guy I met online. After a week of being sick he wanted to take me somewhere for relaxed conversation, but I had no intention of an evening coffee date. We decided on going bowling, which had been the plan we had made on the date I had to back out of. So I picked a bowling alley on my side of the city and we met at 9:30. What I thought to be a decent time for a bowling date.

We met and got our lane and he decided right away that two games was enough. Now if you have gone bowling before, two games with only two people, goes very quickly. In fact the entire date lasted about 30 minutes.

We got our shoes on, and he immediately set himself up to go first. Now I don’t care who goes first, but isn’t the saying ladies first. Shouldn’t you try to make an effort to not look like a chauvinist on a first date? Maybe I’m living in the past, so I went with it. Honestly I don’t care who goes first, but later on I realized that this small thing was a huge sign of this person’s personality.

We started our game, and he was surprised that I used the same size ball he did. Alright, I can give him that, I guess. I am tiny, like not even fully five feet tall, but I’m not weak. I have a kid that I pick up, and he weighs more than 12 lbs, so I think I can handle an 11 lb ball. I have been using one that is 11 lbs since I was in highschool, no big deal. So then he was impatient and had to have two balls, we can’t possibly wait for our first ball to come back, that would take up too much precious time. He actually asked if I wanted him to get me a second ball, which is how he discovered the size ball I was using.

So during the first game he would roll a strike and then walk up to the lane and drop the ball and not try. That annoys me, I can tell if you know how to bowl, or play pool, so don’t play down because I’m a girl. If you give me a good reason to beat you, I will, but if you don’t try, I’m not going to either. That way, we both prove nothing.

During this game he talked about how much he loves being single. Now I might be wrong here, but why ask someone out on a date, if you love being single? I was confused from there on out. He moved the conversation to sports, which the only one we both like is soccer. Then he should me pictures of his friend’s melon hooka, which he thought was hilarious. I just thought it was kinda neat.

Every time he said anything to me, he would lean in really close and breathe heavily on me and his breathe was unpleasant at best. I just kept thinking, that at least I will have something to write about tonight. And the night went on.

During the second game, he won the first, he stopped trying completely. Well until the last frame. Then he decided to try to beat me. We had started a conversation about pool at this time. I am a pool player, and have been for many years, though I have taken the last year off. He told me most girls can’t play pool. And not only that but that they couldn’t play because they had trouble with the stick! That was the end of it all.

So when I beat him in the second game, I very quickly put back on my boots, and returns my bowling shoes to the counter. I said good-bye and left. Now I am posting this because y brain needs to let it go into the universe.

Guys in Their 30s are Weird


So recently I have attempted, at a very slow rate, to try dating again. I decided to try one of these online dating sites, which work as apps on your phone. My previous experiences in online dating had not gone well, but out of boredom I decided to give it another shot. I discovered, that while this approach to dating might work for some people, I should probably stick to the bar scene. At least with meeting people in a bar they are upfront about their intentions.

I met several interesting people in the past few months playing around online dating, but the major problem is that each one of them says that they are interested in getting to know you before you meet, or that they are willing to wait for a sexual relationship, and in reality they seem to use these sites as places to find one night stands or sex buddies. Now I know that this will not come as a shock to most people, but it is darn right annoying, especially when you are really just looking for friends who may or may not turn into something else.

So a person reads your profile, and then messages you, and based off your pictures and profile they decide if they want to begin a conversation. This isn’t much different than going to a bar or a club. We all gravitate towards people whom we find physically attractive. The problem with the online dating side is that in a bar, you almost expect someone to try to get lucky the first time they meet you. Online, you generally talk to someone for a bit before you meet, and at least for me, I don’t know if I am truly interested in someone until I meet them in person.

A text, email, or online message doesn’t convey the intentions of each party as well as a face to face conversation. We as a society are already losing the ability to properly communicate, so online dating I think makes this issue more difficult. You say one thing and they don’t understand it is a joke, or they think it is a joke when it isn’t.

The worst is if you bring up the issue of not wanting to jump into bed with someone and you say this repeatedly, somehow this keeps being translated into “Please, pressure me into doing something I really don’t want to do.”

Now I understand guys pretty well, many of my oldest friends are male, but none of them seem to understand this new online dating obsession with sex from the starting line. This is more difficult for a girl like me who has PTSD issues surrounding sex and intimacy. This is from a long year of having jobs which put me into situations which caused fear and trauma in regards to sex. Also, I have dated many guys in the past who thought the entire relationship should be sexual and then everything else comes after.

Now I have told the last two guys I went on dates with that 1. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, I have to get my job situation and my life straightened out before I can seriously focus on that, and 2. That I am not ready for a sexual relationship at this point in my life. Now I don’t think that it takes a rocket scientist to understand these two things. However, the modern American male in their thirties, can’t seem to grasp this concept. I don’t mean to say that every male is this way, but it seems like the ones attracted to me are.

Pushing sex, kissing, or physical anything on a person who is terrified of intimacy for whatever reason, tends to make a person pull further away. For me I become distrustful of the new person, I pull away physically and emotionally, and tend to go a bit crazy. I get angry with them and use all the little red flags I find in their conversations against them. I know this isn’t fair, but neither is having someone fault you for not wanting to jump into bed with them the moment you meet.

Call me crazy, everyone else does, but is this what we want our future to be? Do we really want to perpetuate the idea that it is okay to force yourself on someone because they worked in a certain job, or are of a certain age. Just because I am a single mother, doesn’t mean I put out for any and all men who cross my path. I don’t like to be a sexual object, I like to be treated as a person, with a brain, who knows what they want. People should have more respect for the person who wants to wait, but it seems these days everyone is just on a mission to get laid.

I am all about embracing the crazy, but these situations have pushed me more into a fear of sex and intimacy. I am distrustful of new men, and I think that is sad. I shouldn’t have to think that all a male wants from me is my body. However, after the last year of my life (with the exception of a couple awesome guys I have made friends with) it seems that the guys I meet are in it for only one thing, and that is not my conversation.

“Hey Baby, What’s Your Diagnosis?”


 

 

            At one time it was common to hear: “So baby, what’s your sign?” as a pickup line.  As we move into a future where more and more of us in Western culture are in or have been in some sort of treatment for mental health, that line will soon be a thing of the past, replaced with “What’s your diagnosis?”

            Gone are the days where being a Libra, Taurus, Cancer, or Pisces has much meaning anymore, if they ever truly did.  Made more difficult by the fact that whoever is in charge of such things changed the dates of the Zodiac signs so that nobody knows what their sign actually is anymore.  We are moving toward a future where we pick our mate not by their star sign, but instead by a compatible diagnosis.

            The American Psychological Association has a category for almost any quirk of the personality these days.  So since we are all crazy, we need to find the crazy in others which complements our own.

            For example I am diagnosed with an Axis I Anxiety Disorder with Obsessive Compulsive Personality traits.  So what disorders complement my own?  This is much more difficult than learning that as a Libra I should avoid dating an Aries, Cancer, or Leo.  While astrology can be fun and the Birthday and Relationship books are frighteningly accurate, they haven’t helped me find my soul mate, only confirmed after the fact that who I was with was a bad match according to the stars.

            My diagnosis in some ways also makes dating hard, as I turn into a mutated version of myself, amplified in all the wrong ways.  It’s like being the Hulk except it’s not incredible.  It is actually rather mundane in explanation, although I have been told it can be frightening to witness.  And while I do not grow to incredible size, my voice does, and instead of my skin turning into a bright green only my eyes shift into a brighter green.  All of this is because one of my anxiety symptoms is impulse aggression.

            So when I get attached to someone I often turn into a nightmare, and while someone might wish to date the Hulk, I do not like the idea of losing control and becoming HulKatie.  At this time, I have found it better for everyone that I don’t date.  You never know when the green will spread to my skin and I will grow from my 5 foot self into a massive and destructive form bent on smashing everything.

            So how do we date in our overly diagnosed, overly medicated, and overly stimulated society?

            Well there is online dating.  This gives us a chance to get to know someone in the absence of actually having to see them in person and open our mouths in order to have a conversation.  I have tried this method of dating, much to my own failure and quit almost as quickly as I began.  The reason being that while it is easy to type a message about yourself and what you like, to me it lacked substance.  And while I actually met two people in person, it was glaringly obvious to me that our online personalities and our in-person-alities don’t often match-up exactly how we think they do.

            Nice, smart, caring, giving, and intelligent online and groaning, grunting, incomprehensible animal in person.  This isn’t true for everyone, but it is hard to show all of your personality on the internet.  It’s hard enough the traditional way.

            So after failing Online Dating 101, I went back to the bars and coffee shops.  However, much like the online world people act differently when they are single than they do when they are dating.  I think this may actually come from our lack of asking that basic question: “So what is your diagnosis?”  I’m not saying to run screaming into the night when someone says anxiety, depression, PTSD, or bi-polar, but this will at least be a better ice breaker than “What’s your sign?”

            This question gives us the chance to break down walls which could otherwise take months or years to knock down or climb over.  You then get to start with an open and friendly conversation, without being afraid to speak candidly.  Tell the cute guy at the bar that in the event of your dating you might turn Hulk if he smiles at you the wrong way when you have a paper do for school, or that you might smash a beer bottle on the floor if he calls you crazy.  We already know that not everyone we find attractive is right for us, why not cut the bullshit and be honest from the start.  Ask questions like “Do you identify more with Jekyll or Hyde?” or, “If you were a serial killer would you be more like Dexter, or Ted Bundy?” 

            Then after starting the conversation, we can arm ourselves with information to make informed choices rather than those fueled entirely by bar banter and physical attraction.  This way if you Hulk out on someone, they were warned.

            Now go forth and change the way we date, and let me know if your personal crazy has ever had an effect on your romantic relationships, either positive or negative.

 

 

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