Tag Archives: writing

My Absence


So it seems that there are a few times a year that i get back on here and explain why i have been gone.  We  here it goes:

I started working on my MFA in creative writing at the University of Tampa in January.  Then I got tendinitis.  The MFA writing would generally make it difficult for me to keep up with my space here, but the real problem has been my wrist.  I can’t type.  Well I can but only really slowly and that’s if I let my hand rest for a whole week doing nothing.

So I get to start using Dragonware.  I haven’t had great luck with it yet, but the good news for my readers is that I will be doing most of my practicing with the software on here.  So Please be patient with my typos as I learn to write with my voice.

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Writing Difficulties and Fears


So often I have had difficulties writing, and I either put it all aside or just push through. However, right now I am working on my personal statement and portfolio to apply to grad school. I don’t mind editing my pieces, but at the moment everything I look at in some of my best work I am questioning. I feel like there are mistakes in every bit of what I wrote, from beginning to end. I don’t know if I’m just being the perfectionist that I can sometimes be, or if these problems are really there.

Now normally in this situation I would ask for an extra pair of eyes, but the whole thing makes me nervous. I am anxious about every aspect of this process. I am not worried that I am a bad writer, but that my writing won’t fit into a MFA program. I want my essays to be perfect, but then if they are perfect, then why do I need to go back to school. So I am stuck in an odd crisis here. What do I write? What do I submit? What are my reasons? All things that I could have easily picked, named, and put words to a month ago.

So as I am trying this, I figured that I would write a post about being stuck. I am stuck and I feel that this program can help me get out of the writing funk which I have been in, but I don’t feel that is the best statement to put on my application. I am at a loss for words where it matters for school, and I am stuck in this odd place trying to force the right words to come out and I am not sure what the right words are.

I want to embrace my crazy for this, because that is one thing that makes my writing better. I embrace my flaws and I am the first to point out my issues with writing, and my life in general. Now I have to find the perfect words for the one thing I really want to do with my life, and I feel like there aren’t any. I realize that there is no such thing as perfect, but I feel like this has to be.

So I am trying to embrace my imperfection with my life and my writing to I can let the words come, because I feel that whatever words there are, they should be the perfect ones, because they are my words. So prayers and wishes please, I can use all of the help I can get in order to get past my own personal fears. However, if I don’t do this then I will regret it for the rest of my life. So I just need to push forward.

Don’t give up on your dreams. Change them from dreams to goals, because then they are just dreams with deadlines. And I don’t know about you, but I work best with deadlines. So this is something that I know I can do despite my fears, because it is not a choice any more it is what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Hurricane Shutters


There are times in our lives where we have a million options in front of us. We have all of the windows and doors of our lives open to see the possibilities. Then slowly things get tough and we start to close windows and doors. Then we take the next step and nail the wood on the outside of the windows in order to easily weather the storm. The problem comes when we forget to take down the shutters once the storm has passed, and if we do another one comes along and we have to board up again.

That’s where I am at. I have been living in a box of my own creation for so long that I didn’t think I would ever be able to see through to the light of day again. Then I got one job that started to open some windows. After that I got sick and the shutters were closed again. Then again I got a new job, and for the first time since I start college many years ago, that ii saw all the possibilities that life had for me.

Now, again my shutters are going up. Problems with work, not my students even when they are crazy I still love teaching, but other problems have begun to have me closing windows. The shutters started closing this weekend when I realized that while I want to get my MFA more than anything, I am terrified of the GRE and there is no way my job will let me take 10 days off at a time for a low residency program.

I am feeling like even though I can see options, I can’t get to them. The windows are closed letting me see all the things in my life that I could do, but I am too scared to. I am pretty sure that it is only a short time before I put back up my storm shutters and hide away from the world. I don’t want this to happen, but this is the path that I have started walking down.

I tell my students all the time that they have to be positive and that attitude is everything. I know this because I know that my own attitude and self-confidence is too low to go the distance that I want to take my life to. I don’t know if I am afraid to succeed or afraid to fail. I just know I’m terrified of everything most of the time, and that I have still not found a way to get past that.

I want to write, and refuse to sit down and do it. I want to date, but I refuse to take a chance with anyone who actually likes me. I self-sabotage all the time, and it is time for me to break that pattern. I just need to find a place to start. I need someone to help me take down the shutters, because I can’t do that alone (I am truly afraid of hammers). I just want to live a day without fear, full of options. Full of hope. Full of anything positive.

So while I am willing to embrace my crazy, I need to refocus it.

Up to Date with Depression


So it has been awhile since I have posted. Although I have been trying to write more recently, I have been in a very depressed state and that has translated into no writing, a messy disaster of a house, and increased anxiety. This has been caused my multiple reasons of course, my continued stomach issues, lack of a boyfriend, and some issues with work related things.

Well, I guess I will start with my stomach problems. I have the official diagnosis of Gastro Paresis and Acid Reflux Disease. Yay! This means that I get to take medication for my too high stomach acid, try to keep my stress down, and continue to vomit every day like a pregnant woman. Now, I have lived with this for years, however it wasn’t until this past year that I started having severe issues with my stomach and it sucks. I haven’t had more than a couple days total that have caused me to be sick all day since I started my new job, but even that sucks. I don’t like missing work, I don’t like throwing up, and I don’t like taking meds to help with a problem when they don’t do much. Though on that front I have stated seeing a chiropractor who is confident that he can help with my stomach problems with alignments. While I have so far only had one adjustment on my back, it hasn’t hurt anything so it is worth a try.

So the next general depression problem is the lack of boyfriend. I had spent the last two years casually seeing someone, and when I got my new job as a teacher, that ended. This is ultimately a good thing though. The relationship had become more drama than it was worth and I have very different priorities in my life than he does, however it sucks to be single. I had met a nice guy on my birthday, and while my priority with him was friendship, I think he thought that I wanted to seriously date him. I am not opposed to a boyfriend, I just mainly want adult company. I am alone a lot and I want someone who I can talk to, and of course get the added bedroom benefits. With him I was just looking for the friend with benefits situation, he just wanted the friend part. So after being humiliated with this reality on Friday night, I have since increased my level of depression.

Dating is tough, especially in your thirties, and especially if you are a crazy person with super high standards. I need someone who can deal with my crazy, handle my throwing up, and also preferably never been married. I don’t want anyone who just wants to use me as a sexual object, and I can’t deal with clingy. I need my space and I don’t want to constantly have to be answering texts. Needy guys please stay away. I am independent, focused on my career, and don’t have time for drama. It seems everyone I have met in the past year falls into one of my red flag areas, and those that don’t are super young and aren’t ready to date at all, even in a super causal manner.

So for my last depression issue—work. I love my job, but a coworker has been making things extremely difficult for me. She has decided that everything is my fault, including student attitudes towards her. I even got blamed for a fight between two students, which happened during her class. I am still trying to figure out how in any way this fight was due to me or my teaching, especially since I wasn’t there. Almost a week later, and I am still baffled.

Friday she came up to me and again decided to place blame on me for a student hiding from her for 25 minutes and not going to her class. He hid in another teacher’s classroom, and I let him out early to go to his next class, because surprise, I have a class to teacher after the one he is in with me. So my classroom door was lock, the student was not in there, and yet it is my fault he didn’t go to her class. Maybe I should be proud of the fact that she seems to think I have god like power and authority over these kids, but I’m not.

the reality is that several of the students hide from her class and when they come to my class I send them immediately on their way back to her. It is my job to deal with the class I have at that time, not to make sure all of her students arrive to her class. In fact if students are continually not going to her class, I think that says something about her as a teacher. I don’t know if this teacher is just placing the blame on me because I’m new, or if she truly believes that it is my fault. I do know that because of this week being blamed by her for everything that has gone wrong, I almost quit.

So I have been dealing with a lot. However, after attending Jax by Jax yesterday, and running into old friends I have decided to get back to what I am truly supposed to be doing. That is of course writing. However, I am actually going to start really submitting my essays for publication, and maybe a few short fiction pieces as well, we will see. I am excited about this new turn and I hope it helps pull me out of my depression. I have always had a hard time writing when I am depressed. While it used to be music, now it’s writing in general.

So embrace your crazy, do what you love, because that is the only way to find yourself and crawl back out of the holes that we sometimes fall into.

Updates…


Alright, to start I am still alive. I survived my month of sick leave from my old job, yes I did say old job, and went back to work. Then in August I got a great opportunity and now I have become an English teacher. 

So much has happened in the past few months, I don’t even know where to start. I say this with every disappearance I have from my blog that I am trying to post more and will more frequently, and I am going to try. However, as much as I want to write and let my readers know what’s going on, with my new job teaching and new dedication to my spiritual self I don’t always have the right mindset to write a post. 

I will say however, that I haven’t just been neglecting my blog, but my writing all together. This is something I truly intend to change. As I get more comfortable in my new job, I will begin to post more frequently. I know those of you out there who read my posts will like them happening more, or even at all as the case has been these last few months.

So, I am embracing my crazy in all new ways these days and I look forward to sharing my new journey, my old stories, and any random bits of insanity that come my way.

Sometimes I wonder


There are some days I wonder why I continue to write. It often feels like a struggle. Then out of nowhere the words come easily. They come from me and onto my computer screen faster than the computer can keep up with the flow. Those are the days that I think we all long for as writers.

It isn’t much different than living with another mental health problem. As a writers we test the definition of insanity as a daily ritual. We do the same thing every day and expect different results. However, sometimes we get them. I know for me it is the difference between a life lived and a life imagined. Now you might wonder how a life of writing is one lived and not imagined. For me writing is life. I give life to my thoughts, fears, passions, pains, and dreams. If I don’t write them then they become stagnant. That isn’t living.

Now a fear isn’t something that we normally want to breathe life into, but I believe that without fear we have nothing to aim to. No goals without the fear of failure. No dreams if we aren’t afraid of living in the same existence we already struggle with each day. My words give me a chance to figure out everything I want from life, and the ability to chase those things or turn away from what I can no longer hold on to.

It doesn’t matter what you write, or if you are writing for anyone else to read or just for yourself. I believe that everyone can benefit from a journal, at the least. It is a place to get out of our heads, or get our heads out of us. If we keep our thoughts bottled up then we build rage and resentment that comes out in unhealthy ways. I am determined to live a more healthy life.

After two days at home sick, missing work that I can’t afford to miss, I have begun to write again. It makes me feel better, even if just for a little while. Otherwise I am just complaining to my friends about how I want to do more with my life and I am leaving my dreams in the corner to take care of themselves, forgetting that to achieve any dream we have to nurture it the same way we do our children.

I have rediscovered my music, my art, and my writing, and through these discoveries I am rediscovering myself. Who I am and where I want to go. I can say how I feel and it doesn’t matter if one day I hate everything, because these words are just a reflection of a moment in my life. My words don’t define me, I define my words, and if my definition changes from one day to the next that is okay.

Now if none of this make sense, that’s fine, I am self admittedly crazy. So this is how I choose to embrace that crazy today. I will write what I feel and I will listen to music that reflects that and I will heal through these actions. Embrace your crazy and grow from it.